Every now and again I wake up somewhere else. Now that sounds weird and I know it does but I have so many memories of other lives that it really shouldn’t be a surprise to wake up in one, it’s happened many times before. I can go back and view within the Tapestry of Lives, the ever weaving threads of lives past but it’s also so important to understand whatever you have experienced before can manifest into the now, with the passage of time and surfacing of old hurts way beyond this current reality.
By that I mean that all of your learning combined over lifetimes, cemented into the memory of your soul can bring past life experiences, soul learning and emotions into the now. We come across people we have been with before in lives, love them, detest them, resent them, betray them and they do the same to us. It’s multi level learning at its best and you can have “pings” of recognition at any time in your current life.
A friend of mine has been helping me to see where I have trapped an emotion in an organ in this lifetime, stretching back many lifetimes, and after all as the human body is a pocket in which we store all our cellular memories and our emotional memories, what better place for me to hide humiliation, resentment, shame and betrayal that I want to hide from myself than in a kidney. Gotta love my inventiveness where to hide stuff, and most of us hide stuff in our “human pocket”. However, with more tests looming, no medical answers and a persistent pain for 5 months, time to go find the source of the problem.
But before I went looking for the source, the source found me, another life thread surfaced into the now and pretty much that’s what I woke up into. For me and for many people, lives will surface with ages, with events, and with people. These “surfacings” can bring illness into this lifetime as cellular memories and trapped emotions come to the surface like bubbles in a pond.
As I wake up, I become aware of four things, my back is killing me, there is a deep, angry, burning pain in my cheek, something STINKS of BO, rotten eggs, rotten food and I can’t move. I kind of want to open my eyes but they feel sticky, jammed shut, clogged and I feel like I have snot or something all over my face. So I try not to focus on the smell OR open my eyes and instead focus on how exactly I feel. Actually I feel a combination of things, I feel heavy, heavy clothes, rough and scratchy on my skin, long skirts. I feel dirty, like layers of dirt on me, aching thighs and calf muscles and an incredibly itchy scalp. Beyond that I feel furious, humiliated, betrayed and a simmering need to pay back someone, anyone I can, for what has been done to me.
Water or something liquid that stinks to high hell slaps me rudely in the face and mocking laughter reaches my ears which burn red with shame. I catch the smell of cider breath and rotting teeth in my face as my hair is wrenched and “Not so high and mighty NOW are we” is spat into my face. I can feel my fists clench and the feel of hardness around my wrists, I shift my body forward and feel the pinch of the my neck muscles as my shoulders push against the pillory. I refuse to open my eyes and give the person the satisfaction that I have acknowledged what they said, although I think both my ears and my clenched fists have given me away.
He clears his throat noisily and spits in my face, and walks off muttering. I feel phlegm run down my face and I feel the rumble of fury tighten on my heart at both the stupidity of people and the helplessness of my situation. No one even listened to my point of view but I don’t know why apart from living here my whole life, I expected they would. People are vicious in so-called righteous indignation.
I’m still playing over in my mind incredulously how this happened. How I got to be here in for two days over something I merely witnessed with others and yet they lied about it. Where holding up to my own personal integrity I have been falsely judged and served. I literally seethe with humiliation and vow to myself I will never forgive those people involved. Those towns folk who refused to acknowledge their own part and condemned me with their lies. I grind my teeth and my face aches with pain from my shattered cheek. A round stone hidden in an overripe tomato unerringly found an exposed spot, my mind marking forever, the face behind the throw. That would keep and be repaid three-fold.
Something stinking lands meatily on the wood beside my head making me recoil in shock but I again refuse to open my eyes. “Slattern” drifts on the wind and I tense all my muscles. In the night in the darkness, three brave souls came and pulled my cap, pulled at my hair and cut chunks of it off. So much for the drunken night watch who was supposed to be looking after me. I refuse to breathe deeply for leaning over into the rotting fruit, excrement accumulated around the pillory, the smells wafting upwards require the shallowest of breaths.
I hear the crunch of feet and the clump of boots onto the pillory stand and the movement of the wooden latches holding the pillory closed. Rough hands pull me upright and my back screams in pain of cramped muscles, I grit my teeth to not cry out and my cheek echoes my back in a painful song. I’m roughly helped down from the stand and left. I open my eyes a crack and the square is deserted. Funny how everyone disappears when the fun is over, or when the person you felt was helpless is suddenly released. Cowardice thrives in a trapped environment.
I turn to limp home, furious with the lack of support from so-called friends, my heart filled with sorrow but relief that my late husband never witnessed my shame.
With a gasp, I sit up in bed, my hand already on its way to my face to touch my cheek. I breathe deeply, massively to try to move the huge knot in my chest and my right kidney hums painfully. It’s five am and my husband turns in bed sleepily, “you ok?”. I nod, and heave out a breath, “will be”. In some ways it’s a really good thing that they surface like this, but in some ways the remembering also makes me aware of all those feelings again and they take time to process.
I get up and watch the day dawn, my normal habit and talk to Jobe “Really? and I come back time and time again for these lives?” He smiles and reminds me “You are all here to learn, to learn about you, to learn of emotions, of love, of life with each other, remember”. I do remember and now I have some work to clear those exposed emotions that were so hidden and still causing pain, in the present. There is no better time than now to heal, because the now is where it’s surfacing. The more we de-clutter, release, the more we heal, we grow and we learn about loving us. Now is good.