This time of year always represents its challenges with Christmas looming and the thoughts of connecting families that have interesting dynamics. But more so than anything in this energy at this time of year being all about relationships, it is set to be an interesting Christmas to say the least.
I have been spending time with the Guides asking for understanding about what is happening in relationships and certainly have been doing that with my own interpersonal relationships coming under fire as well! How can relationships that have been really stable for years and years suddenly be collapsing and why are dynamics changing so quickly with friendships and colleagues that you have worked with for years as well.
You may find yourself feeling like you are on a roller coaster within yourself as well as you struggle to find stable ground within yourself and the relationship with you. Certainly no one person is unaffected in this energy.
I love what one of my clients said. “Oh I will just hang out to February and then we will be past this energy” I laughed. Unfortunately if you are not prepared to see you as a major part of this push then you won’t be releasing old issues in the way you need to and certainly past February it won’t be any easier for you. We do so dislike having to address our stuff don’t we?
I have talked about the Unlearning before as I have spent a huge amount of time discussing this with the Guides as well. How do you unlearn? The key of course takes recognition of a pattern or behaviour and a realisation that it is actually you that is the key. You either created, owned or believed and adopted a behaviour and usually for a really valid reason yet it is not one that will serve you in the long run.
To give you an example, and I will use myself because I too am having a human journey as well. One of my learned insecurities is to do with approval. I get extremely stressed if I perceive that a person doesn’t like me (now I have got a lot better with this because I know my pattern). I can let my brain race off into all the things I could do to “earn” that persons approval, contort myself into discomfort, just to try and win that persons approval at the same time really being cruel to myself about what I “lack” that would make that person happy. That is a VERY common pattern for people to do and be here on the earth plane to learn about.
The”Unlearning” is recognizing a) that I am doing it for a start and b) implementing self approval so I don’t need to feed my insecurity off others. In a way, its coming back to my own needs rather than reinforcing the same pattern and behaviour and using other people to blame for not giving me what I desperately need to give myself.
I love what the Guides say about the Unlearning; “To truly be at peace with oneself, you must look to all the ways that you have learned to judge, to betray, to sabotage, to reject, to be disloyal, unloving to yourself and then within those wounds, you will find the way to love yourself well”.
Okay, I hear you it IS easier said than done. However, if you are anything like me I would like to be living my beautiful life WITHOUT killing myself and my external relationships on the way! There is always a starting point and that starting point Gorgeous people is you. As always the key here is awareness. When you see a behaviour that someone else is doing and you think oh for goodness sake stop being so pathetic. Understand this, you are judging them completely for maybe something that they have learned on their own pathway. What if they don’t know any different because their experiences have given them their own belief structure and learned patterns and they too are struggling with unlearning what doesn’t serve them either? and to be honest, their behaviour pattern MAY be one of yours but you are just not in that space at that time?
Best thing to do at this time is to look inward. Apply understanding to where they may be coming from and bring in extra nurturing to yourself as well. As humans we love to over analyse this and that. Spend endless hours over thinking why someone behaved this way, that way, what was my role in that, how did that happen. To the point we can do our own head in, but what we are doing is analysing someone else by THEIR own belief and learned structure in comparison with ours. Then worse we spent hours trying to get that person to understand where WE are coming from.
STOP! In this energy it is completely and utterly impractical to do that. In this energy people are completely confused by their own reactions and in an attempt to avoid at times their own stuff, they want to walk away. I think I have heard so many “I’ve had enough’s” this month to sink the Titanic. Yes, you are meant to have enough. But if you walk out of one relationship not understanding you are part of the equation, where do you think you are taking that energy? Right into the next relationship that’s where and then the cycle and pattern repeats itself again.
I hear so much I want my person to understand me. Hmmz… you do realise that mostly you don’t understand yourself and worse you may be asking another person who has NO idea where your beliefs, learning and core structure came from because their life experiences were completely different from yours, to understand something that is completely beyond their comprehension and they may never understand it?
Then I hear this “But they have been with me for 25 years, they should know this?” HOW? When did you ever tell them about those invisible boundaries, invisible learnings and invisible RULES to relationships that you have in your head? Stop expecting people to GET you on invisible stuff that they have no idea about and better yet stop being unkind with it.
In this relationship energy STOP with the brain stuff ok? Open your mouth and VERBALISE what your needs are. Speak from your heart not your mind. This is the crux of understanding this energy and working in it. Stop leaving things unsaid because you expected understanding, support and nurturing in invisibility.
One of the hardest lessons for me these last 6 weeks has been realising HOW much I have got into a bad habit of distorting the intention of my partner into annoying me. He doesn’t, he has his own learning and way of doing things that is different than mine. At some point in complacency I decided that his way was WRONG. It isn’t it is his way and its absolutely fine to be that way. We just forgot to communicate about it. Both of us felt unheard by the other and the annoyances got bigger. Jockeying for position of being heard meant words got more aggressive, being right became more important and listening went out the window. THAT became a pattern in itself and in those moments it is really EASY to think that the relationship is doomed. It isn’t, you just created a new pattern based on your own unfulfilled need to be heard on your own terms. If the other person feels exactly the same way you just BUTT heads over and over again until resentment, frustration and anger becomes an integral part of your whole relationship until it’s destroyed.
Think about this, usually you have a really good reason why you do something. WHAT if everyone does? What if you stop and say “can I ask you why you did that? What was your intention behind that? How did you feel about that?” What if we stopped over thinking, over analysing each other and came down to being honest with each other in compassion and understanding?
Clarity is the key here. Thinking about WHY you reacted the why you did and is it a pattern of yours (facepalm I think you know that one will be confronting) Looking where else in your relationships you play out those patterns (double facepalm) and THEN consciously saying I will do the opposite because that pattern has never served me and makes me feel so unhappy. For me taking a moment to say to myself I am not going to start an argument here, I don’t need to be right, changed so much. Instead I said to my partner, thank you I value your opinion and what you showed me I needed to heal in me. The solution is simple if you are prepared to understand what is happening in this Unlearning and Relationship energy.
Mostly we are seriously crappy communicators and this energy demands we be more honest with ourselves, old habits and whether we are cherishing and respecting ourselves and each other in relationships. The Art of Compromise is what brings successful relationships not an overwhelming need to be right or play out old patterns learned from parents, or silblings in the cruelest ways with each other.
There is always gifts in how we learn and unlearn, there is always a benefit to our understanding, if we know this and work through it we grow and start to have the successful relationships we want and we heal simply. Look for your patterns in how you test people, treat people and yourself and realise it is ALWAYS reflected and projected into your other relationships. Then and only then do you find the way forward back to loving you and the people who are in your world unconditionally and with an inherent appreciation for their learning and experiences.
Now is perfect!