Seriously when Upstairs handed me a machete and a piece of cheese AGAIN in October I was gobsmacked. This had happened before I left NZ to live in Canada when I was 18 years old. I was immediately suspicious. “What’s this for? I am done carving new pathways!” I hesitate looking at the items “Aren’t I?”
Reynard, ever patient, ever kind looks at me with such wisdom. “You know that on the earth plane, there is always change, always evolution and most of it, is how you learn about you.” I mumble, “Yes but it’s never in a format that doesn’t challenge me is it?”
His eyebrows soar to the roof just about, like eloquent wings of white. “Why on earth would it not be about you?” I refrain from my eye roll. Mehhhhhhhh!! I don’t want these things! I tuck them politely away behind me, a move that Reynard smothers a grin at. Seriously I can tuck them away all I want in denial but things are about to change.
Most of what I have learned about being on the earth plane, is that at a soul level we are pushed by our own soul level evolution. We either do it ourselves after becoming so restless in ourselves that we finally shift ourselves into change, or we are (lovingly?) positioned by other souls (family and friends) into making massive changes on the back of “I’m DONE being taken advantage of!” Doesn’t really matter what way it happens, lose someone, get fired, someone has an affair. Change is there at a base level of your learning because it simply evolves YOU.
I suppose I should in a way be grateful for the heads up that they always give me that something is about to change or give. So me being me, I “Ostriched” it… Buried the machete, tucked the cheese in my pocket and filed the good luck note. (I’m so amusing in my naivety).
All through October and November illuminations came thick and fast I could not be there ENOUGH for people. That my own needs would be continually put on the back burner, or others needs would take precedence over mine. I bent and I bent, hobbling along to my lovely healing man to get my painful back sorted and then carrying people some more as it moaned and complained with the weight of my “distorted” responsibility. As the saying goes “Something’s gotta give”.
Upstairs, when I moaned, pointed simply at the machete, the mouldy cheese and mumbled about filed notes. Funny what becomes a tipping point really, it always in my book is a straw, yellowed and dried in the hot summer sun, that breaks the camels back. Relentlessly the energy pressured me to look at what I was doing to myself and more and more people joined beautiful forces to illuminate what I was doing to myself. Judgement, criticism, rudeness and expectation crashed down on me from an inventive variety of sources until that back broke.
After a night of struggling to breathe as yet again my diaphragm locked its muscles into agonising constriction, I went mental at Elom (my lovely helpful Angel). He let me vent, lovely golden features and peaceful calm and said “Self-ISH”. I immediately did my normal trick of trying to blame myself and said “OMG am I being selfish???”
He laughed, bless him. “You have forgotten in your distraction of needing approval from others, that you have your own needs. You look at them for a moment and then continue to accommodate others because you have told yourself you are of lesser importance. You have distorted your reality so much, that you cannot breathe under the pressure to please you have created on yourself.”
Stubbornly stunned pause on my behalf as I consider this and then answer with the one word that Carer Souls use so frequently to justify bending over backwards to please others. “BUT…” He frowns those golden features at me not with displeasure but at the speed I am about to justify my behaviour that sacrifices me. After a pause from me, and an eloquently raised brow from him, I just look at him in silence. Carer Souls justify to themselves that they are the ONLY ones who can fix things, do things, be there. Usually totally missing the point they are creating continually Universal Illumination that others will take advantage to try and show them to stop it.
“Self-ISH” he pronounces AGAIN. “You need to unlearn your habit and relearn a new way of being for yourself. Without justification, guilt and blame directed at yourself. You must gently give yourself permission to say “No” without that chorus of voices in your head screeching you are lessor, you should sacrifice you, that you are the only one seeing what needs to be done and doing it. You need to be SELF-ISH, not PEOPLE-ISH.
You need to approve you as an important person and relearn lovingly to allow yourself room to be yourself first. You cannot help people with a distorted view of where you fit in your own world. It is time for you to carve a new way of life for YOU.”
During this advice, it is feeling like an elephant is slowly deciding to get off my diaphragm. Amazing what the body has been trying to show me all the way along. Sod it!
Elom showers me in golden petals and they kiss my face like raindrops. “Time to love you first and then you will have more love for others.” I have thought about this a lot and I do not believe that he is wrong. Instead of sitting in resentment that others never think of you. Think of you first and start the long process of re-educating others that you are not there at the drop of a hat when it suits them. Personally I think it does require a machete and a piece of cheese and a good luck note as a LOT of people will not be happy with this change in you. After all have a think about HOW long you have been educating those around you that you will be there for them first and you second? I bet its been quite some time.
And those screeching voices in your head, that make you feel guilty for speaking your mind? Saying what you need to? Finally claiming some space for you? Tell them to SOD OFF, its time to be SELF-ISH. We are heading into the most creative energy I have ever seen and its about creating your beautiful life not rescuing the world single-handed even if you are cradling a machete. Nope, this is about a NEW pathway for YOU, one you carve just for you and if its carved well, then NATURALLY others will want to follow! Go you, you Pioneer!!!
Personally, I’m back breathing, moving and really well! Machete in hand, I may not be here to answer every question, I do the best I can and some things OF COURSE, you get to sort yourselves. Doesn’t mean I love you less, but I’m learning to love me and that too is MY worthwhile investment into me. So help me through the changes and in turn help yourself! After all we are in this together! SELF-ISH here we come!